Hi All,
Distressed is what I feel tonight. I am having daily nose bleeds and coughing up blood sputum since going back on my blood thinner. My blood pressure has been high, adding to my risk for excessive bleeding. Not only that, but I am under a great deal of stress since being pulled from my unit do to a minor muscle strain. All of the options for me suck and I cannot say for sure what is the best decision for me. All I know is next week, I will be without income again, unless I compromise my beliefs and likely, I will end up ousted anyway.
I feel a terrible responsibility to my patients and my team, but the government does not share that sense of responsibility.The system encourages workers to work injured or lie about their injuries.But the system is okay with that because itis easier than caring and taking the time to make individual assessments. What does it take to change the system??? An act of Congress? probably not.
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Tuesday, March 12, 2019
Friday, February 8, 2019
When Anger Kills
Hello
Anger is a very strong emotion. Anger in itself is not a bad thing. It is an emotion like so many others we have. But if anger is not handled appropriately, if it is not managed well, it can be destructive to life, limb, hopes, dreams, and opportunities. The terrorism we experience in the world is the result of anger. People who do not have negotiation skills and/or power, turn their anger into destruction. This same type of response occurs in relationships and families.
I have had car accidents, missed job opportunities, lost friends and lovers due to anger. My anger murdered some of my chances for success in those situations and relationships. What important thing has your anger killed?
For reasons that will eventually be revealed, I had little contact with my youngest son while he grew up. It was my prayer that we would reconnect when he got older. To my surprise, many years ago, he called me out of the blue. I was not expecting it. At the time, I did not know it was him. He sounded just like his father on the phone and I was still angry at his father. When I heard that voice, the anger and disgust I felt for his father spewed from my words and tone.
It was a devasting event because my son turned me off . It was his last real effort to build a bridge and I let my anger destroy it. Be careful what power you give your anger. It may not be worth the results.
Anger is a very strong emotion. Anger in itself is not a bad thing. It is an emotion like so many others we have. But if anger is not handled appropriately, if it is not managed well, it can be destructive to life, limb, hopes, dreams, and opportunities. The terrorism we experience in the world is the result of anger. People who do not have negotiation skills and/or power, turn their anger into destruction. This same type of response occurs in relationships and families.
I have had car accidents, missed job opportunities, lost friends and lovers due to anger. My anger murdered some of my chances for success in those situations and relationships. What important thing has your anger killed?
For reasons that will eventually be revealed, I had little contact with my youngest son while he grew up. It was my prayer that we would reconnect when he got older. To my surprise, many years ago, he called me out of the blue. I was not expecting it. At the time, I did not know it was him. He sounded just like his father on the phone and I was still angry at his father. When I heard that voice, the anger and disgust I felt for his father spewed from my words and tone.
It was a devasting event because my son turned me off . It was his last real effort to build a bridge and I let my anger destroy it. Be careful what power you give your anger. It may not be worth the results.
A Bad Day
Hi All,
Today is a bad day.
A bad day is one where I struggle to keep moving. I realized that some of us expend a lot of energy just trying to look normal and stay involved in life. This could be one reason for suicide...the amount of energy expended is phenomenal when what you really want and need is a chance to hit the pause button on life. Halt everything and just lay down for a while without losing anything. But if you pause life, you lose things and people. You may lose your house or car if you don't pay your notes. You may lose you job or school scholarship. You may lose friends if you dont answer the phone, call people back or attend their important life events.
There is a lot of loss if you pause life. You may even lose relationships with family such as children. But the truth is you lose anyway. You expend so much trying to stay in, that you often lose yourself and that is the worst loss of all. So what do I do with my bad day?
Stay in and lose some of myself or check out and lose everything else?
Today is a bad day.
A bad day is one where I struggle to keep moving. I realized that some of us expend a lot of energy just trying to look normal and stay involved in life. This could be one reason for suicide...the amount of energy expended is phenomenal when what you really want and need is a chance to hit the pause button on life. Halt everything and just lay down for a while without losing anything. But if you pause life, you lose things and people. You may lose your house or car if you don't pay your notes. You may lose you job or school scholarship. You may lose friends if you dont answer the phone, call people back or attend their important life events.
There is a lot of loss if you pause life. You may even lose relationships with family such as children. But the truth is you lose anyway. You expend so much trying to stay in, that you often lose yourself and that is the worst loss of all. So what do I do with my bad day?
Stay in and lose some of myself or check out and lose everything else?
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
The Gene Mutation
Hi,
One of the things I am learning about in my work with the research team at NIH, is gene mutation. Gene mutation is an alteration in a gene in the DNA of a person that causes it not to function as it is expected to function. The result is usually a disease process or syndrome (series of problems) in the body that becomes problematic for the individual or family with the mutation.
I often feel like I have a life mutation. As a young person, I wanted nothing more than to have a normal life...ie, get married, have children, go to work and church and school events such as recitals, plays, and concerts. I wanted to watch my children play sports or cheer games. But that has not been my life. My children were basically taken from me, both of them, for reasons that still remain a mystery to me. I tried to always do right by my children. I guess that was the problem.
Perhaps I should have been selfish. To this day I feel robbed of my rights to be a mother and raise my children with my beliefs and moral standards. Who took that from me? A gene mutation? My right to live a normal life and function like everyone else was denied to me. A gene mutation. I never got to see my children on a school stage. A gene mutation. I did not get to attend their junior high, high school or college graduations. A gene mutation.
It is difficult to adjust your body to abnormal function. Research is about finding a cure, a medication, a device that can replace the mutation so your body can function like everyone else's. But what can we do for a mutation in life and living? Is there research that allows me to now have the normal relationships and opportunities that I missed? What replacement is there for me?
How does a mother become a mother again after missing out on the most precious times in her children's lives?
Researchers, please answer this.
One of the things I am learning about in my work with the research team at NIH, is gene mutation. Gene mutation is an alteration in a gene in the DNA of a person that causes it not to function as it is expected to function. The result is usually a disease process or syndrome (series of problems) in the body that becomes problematic for the individual or family with the mutation.
I often feel like I have a life mutation. As a young person, I wanted nothing more than to have a normal life...ie, get married, have children, go to work and church and school events such as recitals, plays, and concerts. I wanted to watch my children play sports or cheer games. But that has not been my life. My children were basically taken from me, both of them, for reasons that still remain a mystery to me. I tried to always do right by my children. I guess that was the problem.
Perhaps I should have been selfish. To this day I feel robbed of my rights to be a mother and raise my children with my beliefs and moral standards. Who took that from me? A gene mutation? My right to live a normal life and function like everyone else was denied to me. A gene mutation. I never got to see my children on a school stage. A gene mutation. I did not get to attend their junior high, high school or college graduations. A gene mutation.
It is difficult to adjust your body to abnormal function. Research is about finding a cure, a medication, a device that can replace the mutation so your body can function like everyone else's. But what can we do for a mutation in life and living? Is there research that allows me to now have the normal relationships and opportunities that I missed? What replacement is there for me?
How does a mother become a mother again after missing out on the most precious times in her children's lives?
Researchers, please answer this.
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
Domestic Abuse
Hi All,
Today I want to say something about domestic abuse. I chose that phrase because abuse does not ALWAYS include physical violence, but it often will. My mother suffered physical, mental, and emotional abuse at the hand of my father. I remember at around age 12, finding her on her bedroom floor in the fetal position, being kicked by my dad. I am in my 50s and I still see it clearly today. I never thought I would ever suffer at the hand of a man that way because I am a very strong woman...but I have.
Before I go on, let me say without doubt, the relationship I had with the man was over. I would not stay in a relationship with a man who thinks so little of me. If he hits me, pushes me, knocks me down, strangles me, etc....he does not like me! And if he does not like me, he does not want me and I will not stay where I am not wanted. So what happened? I had a child with that man....
I had a child with a sad, weak, evil person. That's what sex can get you. I tried to co-parent with my son's father, but he broke every agreement we made. His family was rude to me after we broke up and treated me like I was an outcast....When he refused to return my one-year old son to me after a visit with his grandmother, I went looking for my son. I found his father at his girlfriend's house. I confronted him about my child and he responded by grabbing me. When I tried to get his hands off of me, a fight ensued.
I was pushed off of the porch onto the cement walkway. He strangled me for a few moments, then released. He let me up and went back to the porch. I followed still asking about my child. Next, he pushed me over the porch wall and dangled me there.He busted my right pinky and my glasses in the struggle. I left there with scratches and bruises, but not my son. I ended up with 11 stitches in my right pinky. The scar remains as a daily reminder of my poor choices and his evilness.
Yes, I got a restraining order and filed charges, but back then, women's complaints were mostly ignored. He got a slap on the hand and all he paid was some restitution. They made him a police officer in Philadephia!
After the event, he was forced to pick his son up through a third party and that infuriated him. He said he felt like a criminal!!!! He was, but of course he said my beating was in self defense. That man was about 6 feet 1 in and probably 220 lbs or more at the time. I was 5 feet 4 in and about 160 lbs at the time. Self defense? No sir. I had no weapons, just my mouth and attitude.
I went out and bought a baseball bat. When he came to pick up his son after the restraining order expired, I came downstairs with my bat. I wanted him to know that I was not going to be his victim anymore. He hated me for that . But it was his doing and not mine. To this day, he has never admitted his guilt or apologized for the stitches in my finger. I apologize to my son for giving him a lousy father whether he knows it or not.
Abuse is not pretty and it is never deserved. You don't earn it by provoking others. Abusers are weak people who feel out of control. They want to be Masters of their destiny, but when they are not, they lash out and blame others for their failures. My son's father, failed at his first marriage. The ex wife had a son that was taken from him after the divorce. He felt helpless and weak in that situation. He took it out on me. And in an effort to get what he wanted, he did things to hurt his real son.
That is what happens in the angry cycle of life which I will talk about shortly. Abuse occurs when people are weak and feel helpless. But abuse never gives you real strength or power. The sense of power abusers feel is false. Did my son's father get what he wanted? Not really. He wanted to use my son to control me. But he couldn't. He wanted to feel powerful. But he is not. I still see him as weak, sad, and incapable of handling a strong woman...to this day I feel that. Because he wasn't able to work with me to co-parent our child. And the main person to lose because of that is my son.
Strong men do what is in the best interest of their children. They can admit what that is and they learn to deal with their feelings, but that is only what strong men do. If you are a woman who is being abused or has been abused, please recognize that the man is weak and you cannot make him strong. He will not be a good boyfriend, husband, or father....and probably not a good provider either. Please save yourself and your children if you can. You all deserve it!
Today I want to say something about domestic abuse. I chose that phrase because abuse does not ALWAYS include physical violence, but it often will. My mother suffered physical, mental, and emotional abuse at the hand of my father. I remember at around age 12, finding her on her bedroom floor in the fetal position, being kicked by my dad. I am in my 50s and I still see it clearly today. I never thought I would ever suffer at the hand of a man that way because I am a very strong woman...but I have.
Before I go on, let me say without doubt, the relationship I had with the man was over. I would not stay in a relationship with a man who thinks so little of me. If he hits me, pushes me, knocks me down, strangles me, etc....he does not like me! And if he does not like me, he does not want me and I will not stay where I am not wanted. So what happened? I had a child with that man....
I had a child with a sad, weak, evil person. That's what sex can get you. I tried to co-parent with my son's father, but he broke every agreement we made. His family was rude to me after we broke up and treated me like I was an outcast....When he refused to return my one-year old son to me after a visit with his grandmother, I went looking for my son. I found his father at his girlfriend's house. I confronted him about my child and he responded by grabbing me. When I tried to get his hands off of me, a fight ensued.
I was pushed off of the porch onto the cement walkway. He strangled me for a few moments, then released. He let me up and went back to the porch. I followed still asking about my child. Next, he pushed me over the porch wall and dangled me there.He busted my right pinky and my glasses in the struggle. I left there with scratches and bruises, but not my son. I ended up with 11 stitches in my right pinky. The scar remains as a daily reminder of my poor choices and his evilness.
Yes, I got a restraining order and filed charges, but back then, women's complaints were mostly ignored. He got a slap on the hand and all he paid was some restitution. They made him a police officer in Philadephia!
After the event, he was forced to pick his son up through a third party and that infuriated him. He said he felt like a criminal!!!! He was, but of course he said my beating was in self defense. That man was about 6 feet 1 in and probably 220 lbs or more at the time. I was 5 feet 4 in and about 160 lbs at the time. Self defense? No sir. I had no weapons, just my mouth and attitude.
I went out and bought a baseball bat. When he came to pick up his son after the restraining order expired, I came downstairs with my bat. I wanted him to know that I was not going to be his victim anymore. He hated me for that . But it was his doing and not mine. To this day, he has never admitted his guilt or apologized for the stitches in my finger. I apologize to my son for giving him a lousy father whether he knows it or not.
Abuse is not pretty and it is never deserved. You don't earn it by provoking others. Abusers are weak people who feel out of control. They want to be Masters of their destiny, but when they are not, they lash out and blame others for their failures. My son's father, failed at his first marriage. The ex wife had a son that was taken from him after the divorce. He felt helpless and weak in that situation. He took it out on me. And in an effort to get what he wanted, he did things to hurt his real son.
That is what happens in the angry cycle of life which I will talk about shortly. Abuse occurs when people are weak and feel helpless. But abuse never gives you real strength or power. The sense of power abusers feel is false. Did my son's father get what he wanted? Not really. He wanted to use my son to control me. But he couldn't. He wanted to feel powerful. But he is not. I still see him as weak, sad, and incapable of handling a strong woman...to this day I feel that. Because he wasn't able to work with me to co-parent our child. And the main person to lose because of that is my son.
Strong men do what is in the best interest of their children. They can admit what that is and they learn to deal with their feelings, but that is only what strong men do. If you are a woman who is being abused or has been abused, please recognize that the man is weak and you cannot make him strong. He will not be a good boyfriend, husband, or father....and probably not a good provider either. Please save yourself and your children if you can. You all deserve it!
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Depression
Hi,
Depression is a hard thing to live with. Most people think depression is being upset about something that happened or didn't happen, but for those of us who suffer from it, it is way more than that. People see actors with money, children and others commit suicide and they don't understand it. They think if you are young or have money, you should not be sad or distraught about anything. But depression is not just about being sad or distraught. There is an intrinsic voice in depression that tells us life is not always worth living. We weigh out the positives and the negatives and sometimes the negatives win. When that happens, it becomes a struggle to find a reason to keep living.
When we get tired, our voice says it is time to rest. That may seem natural, except in depression, we may seek permanence in our rest. Yes, things will get better...and the bus is coming, but sometimes you get tired of waiting for the bus and decide to walk. We don't experience emotions like everyone else. For instance, I never feel worthless, but I often feel useless.
It is good to be in a place to help others to combat those feelings, but that is not always possible in life. Sometimes we are in need of help for ourselves. Depression is a strange beast. There is no box to fit it into...it does not look the same on each one of us and the solution is often hard to find. Most struggles will span the lifetime and telling your depressed love one to "do something about it," is probably not helpful. If they could do something, they would have done it....Besides that, the 'something' they choose to do might be suicide.
My suggestion is to make time to listen. One thing depressed people often feel is they are not significant enough for you to make time for them. Is that church meeting or school event more important than saving a life? Think about it...if you knew a person had a knife to their wrist when they called, would getting to the bank by 5:00 pm be that important? No, you don't know how serious the situation is, but we can all tell when someone needs to talk.. Take the time to live out the love of God, not just talk about it. Be there, even when it is a sacrifice and maybe you won't have to say goodbye too soon.
To those who love God and are called according to his purpose, don't get so caught up in the obligations of church and religion that you forget to live out the meaning of it all. The greatest work of Christ was the sacrifice.
But also know that if a person decides to leave this earth, he/she probably will, without warning. In that case, it was that person's choice. You could not prevent what you did not know was going to happen. Be there when you can and know you did your best. Accept the rest.
Depression is a hard thing to live with. Most people think depression is being upset about something that happened or didn't happen, but for those of us who suffer from it, it is way more than that. People see actors with money, children and others commit suicide and they don't understand it. They think if you are young or have money, you should not be sad or distraught about anything. But depression is not just about being sad or distraught. There is an intrinsic voice in depression that tells us life is not always worth living. We weigh out the positives and the negatives and sometimes the negatives win. When that happens, it becomes a struggle to find a reason to keep living.
When we get tired, our voice says it is time to rest. That may seem natural, except in depression, we may seek permanence in our rest. Yes, things will get better...and the bus is coming, but sometimes you get tired of waiting for the bus and decide to walk. We don't experience emotions like everyone else. For instance, I never feel worthless, but I often feel useless.
It is good to be in a place to help others to combat those feelings, but that is not always possible in life. Sometimes we are in need of help for ourselves. Depression is a strange beast. There is no box to fit it into...it does not look the same on each one of us and the solution is often hard to find. Most struggles will span the lifetime and telling your depressed love one to "do something about it," is probably not helpful. If they could do something, they would have done it....Besides that, the 'something' they choose to do might be suicide.
My suggestion is to make time to listen. One thing depressed people often feel is they are not significant enough for you to make time for them. Is that church meeting or school event more important than saving a life? Think about it...if you knew a person had a knife to their wrist when they called, would getting to the bank by 5:00 pm be that important? No, you don't know how serious the situation is, but we can all tell when someone needs to talk.. Take the time to live out the love of God, not just talk about it. Be there, even when it is a sacrifice and maybe you won't have to say goodbye too soon.
To those who love God and are called according to his purpose, don't get so caught up in the obligations of church and religion that you forget to live out the meaning of it all. The greatest work of Christ was the sacrifice.
But also know that if a person decides to leave this earth, he/she probably will, without warning. In that case, it was that person's choice. You could not prevent what you did not know was going to happen. Be there when you can and know you did your best. Accept the rest.
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
My Great God
Hello,
This is one of the hardest posts for me. I want to say all of the wonderful things we are taught about God and who he is. I believe them. But I am also disappointed, in my faith? in God? in my ability to be more? I am not exactly sure. I believe the Bible and what it says, but I don't know if I still believe that everything works out for my good. I know that I have a limited scope of understanding when it comes to God, but like many I still wonder why God allows some things to test our faith.
At this point, I wonder what He wants from me. I obviously have not done something that he wants, because I feel like a step-child most days. I try to remember my teachings, but in my heart I have many questions...Like why God would allow my son to be brought up by an evil liar who cared more about revenge than the love a child needed. I still remember the day Aaron's father told me that he could "guarantee" that I would never get custody of my son back. I wondered how anyone could make such a bold statement. That was audacity to me in the face of God to guarantee anything to another human being. I just knew God would make him out to be a liar, but he did not. I never got custody of my child back.
That hurt a lot...and still does to this day. The disappointment is still hard to handle. Why God allowed that I do not know. One of the reasons I had chosen to move to Texas, was to get closer to God. And I did that. I was able to accomplish some things, but it was while stuffing other feelings aside. I sought complete healing at every church event, service, and prayer meeting I could find, but there was never anything permanent. Eventually, my pain would come flooding back and I would run.
I could not handle the pain and I knew no one else could either. I was denied visitation rights to my son until he was 10. I was at the mercy of the man who beat me when he refused to do the right thing. And he had no mercy. I could not understand why any court in this country would place my child in those hands. Or why God would allow it.
But we all have our crosses to bear and even though Jesus hung for all of our sins, we are still expected to suffer with him. That was the beginning of my cross.
This is one of the hardest posts for me. I want to say all of the wonderful things we are taught about God and who he is. I believe them. But I am also disappointed, in my faith? in God? in my ability to be more? I am not exactly sure. I believe the Bible and what it says, but I don't know if I still believe that everything works out for my good. I know that I have a limited scope of understanding when it comes to God, but like many I still wonder why God allows some things to test our faith.
At this point, I wonder what He wants from me. I obviously have not done something that he wants, because I feel like a step-child most days. I try to remember my teachings, but in my heart I have many questions...Like why God would allow my son to be brought up by an evil liar who cared more about revenge than the love a child needed. I still remember the day Aaron's father told me that he could "guarantee" that I would never get custody of my son back. I wondered how anyone could make such a bold statement. That was audacity to me in the face of God to guarantee anything to another human being. I just knew God would make him out to be a liar, but he did not. I never got custody of my child back.
That hurt a lot...and still does to this day. The disappointment is still hard to handle. Why God allowed that I do not know. One of the reasons I had chosen to move to Texas, was to get closer to God. And I did that. I was able to accomplish some things, but it was while stuffing other feelings aside. I sought complete healing at every church event, service, and prayer meeting I could find, but there was never anything permanent. Eventually, my pain would come flooding back and I would run.
I could not handle the pain and I knew no one else could either. I was denied visitation rights to my son until he was 10. I was at the mercy of the man who beat me when he refused to do the right thing. And he had no mercy. I could not understand why any court in this country would place my child in those hands. Or why God would allow it.
But we all have our crosses to bear and even though Jesus hung for all of our sins, we are still expected to suffer with him. That was the beginning of my cross.
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