Hi,
All of our lives we heard that blood is thicker than water. That means that your family will be there for you when no one else will. But that is not always true, though it should be.
I left NJ in 1993 after I graduated from nursing school and moved to Texas. I had my own personal reasons for doing that, which I did not disclose to my family. But it was all for the improvement of my mental health and life.
I had not yet received my official nursing license, but I mistakenly believed that I could work as either a graduate nurse or as a nursing assistant until the official license came through. I lived off of my savings as I applied for other jobs. Just as I was about to work for a local grocery store, my license came thru and I got a job at a local hospital as an RN.
Unfortunately, two weeks after I started the job, my money ran out. I had one more week to work until my payday, yet I ran out of gas for my car. Being new, I did not want to ask coworkers for money and my girlfriend in NJ was also struggling. So I called one of my brothers. He knows who he is. I asked him if he could send me $5- $10 for gas so I could get to work until payday. At the time gas was approximately $.87 per gallen. I swear on my life and the lives of my children that I asked for nothing more. He said no. If I recall correctly, he said no because "they," my family, did not know what I was doing in Texas.
The next day, I drove to work on fumes while I prayed to God. I told God that if he did not take care of me, no one would. At lunch that day, I sat quietly in the breakroom contemplating my dilemma. I had no food either so I had time to think. While sitting there, I noticed a sign advertising an employee assistance program that offered various services and assistance including CASH. I called and was invited down to their office. After explaining my situation, I was given $50 in a grocery store food voucher and $20 cash. It was not a loan. God took care of me that day.
I had another incredible experience a couple of years later. My car broke down on the highway before cell phones were popular. I had no one to call and almost no money in the bank and payday a way off. I sat in my car without options. After a short time, a motorist pulled up...an older white gentleman. He asked about the car and I explained my predicament. He suggested a tow. I advised him that I had no service for that and no money. He offered to tow it for me. He drove me to a nearby gas station, called the tow service and paid for the tow to the shop of my choice. I gave him a post dated check and a promise that the check would be good, then I got in the tow truck with the driver.
The driver asked me if the white gentleman was my boss (go figure that I could not have been his boss). I told him no and that I did not know the gentleman at all. He was floored. He could not believe that a stranger gave me a ride to a phone and paid for my tow with just a promise of being paid back. By the way, I made good on that check.
My point is that strangers saw something in me that my own family did not. But that is what happens when you look at the bad so long that you no longer see the good. Be sure that I no longer make that mistake. No one is perfect and your evil deeds are no better or worse than mine. The question is, can you own them?
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Friday, January 4, 2019
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Out in the Open
Hi All,
Today I want to talk about behaviors. We all have to be accountable for what we do. We have choices and we make them. Sometimes we suffer, sometimes others suffer. I have made a lot of poor and some bad choices in my life. If I hurt someone in the process, I tried to apologize and make restitution where necessary. That is God's way. It is not always easy, but it is always necessary.
There have been a few issues in my family that will come to light in this blog and a lot of it now has to do with pride. People have made bad choices but have refused to acknowledge them or apologize for them. And because of that, relationships have been injured and are unable to be repaired. Before I proceed, let me share some of my poor choices.
To my knowledge, I have done nothing of personal injury to my sister or brothers. I have one sister 7 years my senior and two brothers, 4 and 5 years my senior. My sister is Sandy. My brothers are Stanley and Steve. As I said I have done nothing to my knowledge to hurt them. I did however, steal from my mother. When I was twelve, I stole a handful of coins from my mother's coin can so I could go to the movies with my friends. To be honest, it may have been two handfuls. But I did something more.
When I went to nursing school, I had two children. My oldest, Duray, was eight and Aaron was 1 year. I was in school full time and I worked part-time weekends. I received State benefits to supplement. I had no car. Those 3 years were tough. So when the credit card company sent me an application for a credit card in my mother's name, I forged her signature and sent it back. They sent me a credit card and I used it. Although my INTENTION was to pay it on time until I paid it off, that is not what happened. Eventually I defaulted on the payments and my mother found out.
I honestly cannot remember how much I put on the card, but I would guess $2000 or less. Granted I hurt my mother's good credit, of which I know she was very proud. I cannot recall exactly how that confrontation went, but I would guess I was viewed as a criminal, because that is the only reason I could fathom that my mother would team against me when it came to custody of my youngest son. But we will discuss all of the custody issues later....ALL of them.
The bottom line is, I did apologize to my mother and some years later, I made restitution of the money I owed her...And if I am mistaken in that I did not pay that debt in full, I will.
That is what you do when you make bad choices, recognize your mistakes, regret them and want to make it right. That is not what you do when you think you are still right, even when you are wrong!
Today I want to talk about behaviors. We all have to be accountable for what we do. We have choices and we make them. Sometimes we suffer, sometimes others suffer. I have made a lot of poor and some bad choices in my life. If I hurt someone in the process, I tried to apologize and make restitution where necessary. That is God's way. It is not always easy, but it is always necessary.
There have been a few issues in my family that will come to light in this blog and a lot of it now has to do with pride. People have made bad choices but have refused to acknowledge them or apologize for them. And because of that, relationships have been injured and are unable to be repaired. Before I proceed, let me share some of my poor choices.
To my knowledge, I have done nothing of personal injury to my sister or brothers. I have one sister 7 years my senior and two brothers, 4 and 5 years my senior. My sister is Sandy. My brothers are Stanley and Steve. As I said I have done nothing to my knowledge to hurt them. I did however, steal from my mother. When I was twelve, I stole a handful of coins from my mother's coin can so I could go to the movies with my friends. To be honest, it may have been two handfuls. But I did something more.
When I went to nursing school, I had two children. My oldest, Duray, was eight and Aaron was 1 year. I was in school full time and I worked part-time weekends. I received State benefits to supplement. I had no car. Those 3 years were tough. So when the credit card company sent me an application for a credit card in my mother's name, I forged her signature and sent it back. They sent me a credit card and I used it. Although my INTENTION was to pay it on time until I paid it off, that is not what happened. Eventually I defaulted on the payments and my mother found out.
I honestly cannot remember how much I put on the card, but I would guess $2000 or less. Granted I hurt my mother's good credit, of which I know she was very proud. I cannot recall exactly how that confrontation went, but I would guess I was viewed as a criminal, because that is the only reason I could fathom that my mother would team against me when it came to custody of my youngest son. But we will discuss all of the custody issues later....ALL of them.
The bottom line is, I did apologize to my mother and some years later, I made restitution of the money I owed her...And if I am mistaken in that I did not pay that debt in full, I will.
That is what you do when you make bad choices, recognize your mistakes, regret them and want to make it right. That is not what you do when you think you are still right, even when you are wrong!
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
My Current State of Mind
Hi,
Holidays have been especially difficult for me because I spend most of them alone. I don't necessarily like being alone, but I feel safer when I am alone. That may sound like an odd thing to say, but it is my truth. I used to love being with people. I was a very social young person. I had a lot of friends in school, both male and female. But that changed, as things often do. It did not happen all at once, but after going through several betrayals by family and close friends, I began to cut myself off from people. I did not stop having relationships, but in those relationships I stopped being open. I began to doubt the sincerity of those around me.
The issue of trust has continued to be a stronghold in my life. It has almost become a psychosis. Almost a paranoia, but not quite. I look for sincerity in people, and sometimes find it, but not often. I have learned that there is absolutely no group or type of person that is always worthy of your trust. Even mothers, sisters, and friends can betray your trust. And when they do, they often contribute to death and destruction in your life. Your journey, like mine, may take a new path, unchartered, unexpected and difficult to navigate. Trust is a powerful tool in success. Having been stripped of it, I wandered aimlessly, digging deep holes, in which I often fell.
My current task is to figure out how to regain trust in people. As a Bible student, I learned that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. So, if a person betrays your trust and that betrayal steals your joy, kills your chances of having intimate relationships, and destroys the love between a mother and her child, is that person acting on behalf of God or the enemy?
Holidays have been especially difficult for me because I spend most of them alone. I don't necessarily like being alone, but I feel safer when I am alone. That may sound like an odd thing to say, but it is my truth. I used to love being with people. I was a very social young person. I had a lot of friends in school, both male and female. But that changed, as things often do. It did not happen all at once, but after going through several betrayals by family and close friends, I began to cut myself off from people. I did not stop having relationships, but in those relationships I stopped being open. I began to doubt the sincerity of those around me.
The issue of trust has continued to be a stronghold in my life. It has almost become a psychosis. Almost a paranoia, but not quite. I look for sincerity in people, and sometimes find it, but not often. I have learned that there is absolutely no group or type of person that is always worthy of your trust. Even mothers, sisters, and friends can betray your trust. And when they do, they often contribute to death and destruction in your life. Your journey, like mine, may take a new path, unchartered, unexpected and difficult to navigate. Trust is a powerful tool in success. Having been stripped of it, I wandered aimlessly, digging deep holes, in which I often fell.
My current task is to figure out how to regain trust in people. As a Bible student, I learned that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. So, if a person betrays your trust and that betrayal steals your joy, kills your chances of having intimate relationships, and destroys the love between a mother and her child, is that person acting on behalf of God or the enemy?
The Healing Begins
Hi,
It has been a very long time since I first started this blog...8 years to be exact and not much has changed. I have decided, however, to alter the roadmap of this blog slightly. My goal has always been healing for myself and others. My heart is for women who are suffering from dysfunctional relationships. I want to help you, but first, I must receive my own healing.
After speaking with a friend, I realize that God has a plan for my life, but there is a roadblock to his plan and that is my pain. My pain permeates every decision I make and those I don't make. After years of suffering in mostly silence, I have decided to unleash the beast. The Crackin, if you will, that has terrorized my life since I was a teenager. I am a writer. A couple of years ago, I started writing a book entitled "Raped and Murdered by a System and a Mindset." It was a book that would tell the story of my life and pain. I was planning to put it out there for all to see and I did not care who did not like it. But I have chosen not to finish that book, at least not now. I really don't want to profit from my pain, except to be healed. But that does not mean that I will not tell my story. I will. I am. I am telling it right now. Right here. And some of you will not like it.
But God says that knowledge of the truth is what sets us free. Well, I have known the truth, but I have not been free. Now I share the truth, hoping that this will be my chance to have Beauty for my Ashes and to turn Soot to Silk. Dirty...That's how I have felt for the last 30+ years. Dirty.
I did not come in this world feeling dirty. So how did that happen? I'll let you decide. This is my story...as I remember it...from my perspective and it is NOT fiction. It is the truth in all of its glory (or not). My story, my way. Feel free to comment, but know that your comments will not deter my purpose. And so it begins.
It has been a very long time since I first started this blog...8 years to be exact and not much has changed. I have decided, however, to alter the roadmap of this blog slightly. My goal has always been healing for myself and others. My heart is for women who are suffering from dysfunctional relationships. I want to help you, but first, I must receive my own healing.
After speaking with a friend, I realize that God has a plan for my life, but there is a roadblock to his plan and that is my pain. My pain permeates every decision I make and those I don't make. After years of suffering in mostly silence, I have decided to unleash the beast. The Crackin, if you will, that has terrorized my life since I was a teenager. I am a writer. A couple of years ago, I started writing a book entitled "Raped and Murdered by a System and a Mindset." It was a book that would tell the story of my life and pain. I was planning to put it out there for all to see and I did not care who did not like it. But I have chosen not to finish that book, at least not now. I really don't want to profit from my pain, except to be healed. But that does not mean that I will not tell my story. I will. I am. I am telling it right now. Right here. And some of you will not like it.
But God says that knowledge of the truth is what sets us free. Well, I have known the truth, but I have not been free. Now I share the truth, hoping that this will be my chance to have Beauty for my Ashes and to turn Soot to Silk. Dirty...That's how I have felt for the last 30+ years. Dirty.
I did not come in this world feeling dirty. So how did that happen? I'll let you decide. This is my story...as I remember it...from my perspective and it is NOT fiction. It is the truth in all of its glory (or not). My story, my way. Feel free to comment, but know that your comments will not deter my purpose. And so it begins.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Little Girls Lost
I was stunned and amazed when I sat down last week and watched a program entitled "The Playground." It was about the sex slave trade here in the United States. These were not young women taken from other countries and brought here. these were our own children...Yes! You heard me right. These were children, some looked to be 2 or 3 years old, maybe younger, sold for sex. It seems unthinkable, unimaginable, but it's true. It's not just about the teenagers you see on the streets, though we forget that they, too, are children. We think they like what they do so we don't have to think about it...but they don't. How would you feel having sex with 10, 20, or even 30 men per night. Have we become so cold that we cannot understand the depth of the pain these young women and children must feel? I wasn't a part of the sex revolution, but I see what it's done to my people...It destroyed lives, families, marriages. No it wasn't perfect before, but is it really any better now? Since when does evolution = genocide? We're killing ourselves and we can't even see it, but don't take my word for it. I'll let the numbers speak for themselves...Stay tuned...There is so much more to come.
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