Domestic Abuse

Hi All,

Today I want to say something about domestic abuse. I chose that phrase because abuse does not ALWAYS include physical violence, but it often will. My mother suffered physical, mental, and emotional abuse at the hand of my father. I remember at around age 12, finding her on her bedroom floor in the fetal position, being kicked by my dad. I am in my 50s and I still see it clearly today. I never thought I would ever suffer at the hand of a man that way because I am a very strong woman...but I have.

Before I go on, let me say without doubt, the relationship I had with the man was over. I would not stay in a relationship with a man who thinks so little of me. If he hits me, pushes me, knocks me down, strangles me, etc....he does not like me! And if he does not like me, he does not want me and I will not stay where I am not wanted. So what happened? I had a child with that man....

I had a child with a sad, weak, evil person. That's what sex can get you. I tried to co-parent with my son's father, but he broke every agreement we made. His family was rude to me after we broke up and treated me like I was an outcast....When he refused to return my one-year old son to me after a visit with his grandmother, I went looking for my son. I found his father at his girlfriend's house. I confronted him about my child and he responded by grabbing me. When I tried to get his hands off of me, a fight ensued.

I was pushed off of the porch onto the cement walkway. He strangled me for a few moments, then released. He let me up and went back to the porch. I followed still asking about my child. Next, he pushed me over the porch wall and dangled me there.He busted my right pinky and my glasses in the struggle. I left there with scratches and bruises, but not my son. I ended up with 11 stitches in my right pinky. The scar remains as a daily reminder of my poor choices and his evilness.

Yes, I got a restraining order and filed charges, but back then, women's complaints were mostly ignored. He got a slap on the hand and all he paid was some restitution. They made him a police officer in Philadephia!

After the event, he was forced to pick his son up through a third party and that infuriated him. He said he felt like a criminal!!!! He was, but of course he said my beating was in self defense. That man was about 6 feet 1 in and probably 220 lbs or more at the time. I was 5 feet 4 in and about 160 lbs at the time. Self defense? No sir. I had no weapons, just my mouth and attitude.

I went out and bought a baseball bat. When he came to pick up his son after the restraining order expired, I came downstairs with my bat. I wanted him to know that I was not going to be his victim anymore. He hated me for that . But it was his doing and not mine. To this day, he has never admitted his guilt or apologized for the stitches in my finger. I apologize to my son for giving him a lousy father whether he knows it or not.

Abuse is not pretty and it is never deserved. You don't earn it by provoking others. Abusers are weak people who feel out of control. They want to be Masters of their destiny, but when they are not, they lash out and blame others for their failures. My son's father, failed at his first marriage. The ex wife had a son that was taken from him after the divorce. He felt helpless and weak in that situation. He took it out on me. And in an effort to get what he wanted, he did things to hurt his real son.

That is what happens in the angry cycle of life which I will talk about shortly. Abuse occurs when people are weak and feel helpless. But abuse never gives you real strength or power. The sense of power abusers feel is false. Did my son's father get what he wanted? Not really. He wanted to use my son to control me. But he couldn't. He wanted to feel powerful. But he is not. I still see him as weak, sad, and incapable of handling a strong woman...to this day I feel that. Because he wasn't able to work with me to co-parent our child. And the main person to lose because of that is my son.

Strong men do what is in the best interest of their children. They can admit what that is and they learn to deal with their feelings, but that is only what strong men do. If you are a woman who is being abused or has been abused, please recognize that the man is weak and you cannot make him strong. He will not be a good boyfriend, husband, or father....and probably not a good provider either. Please save yourself and your children if you can. You all deserve it!