My Great God

Hello,

This is one of the hardest posts for me. I want to say all of the wonderful things we are taught about God and who he is. I believe them. But I am also disappointed, in my faith? in God? in my ability to be more? I am not exactly sure. I believe the Bible and what it says, but I don't know if I still believe that everything works out for my good. I know that I have a limited scope of understanding when it comes to God, but like many I still wonder why God allows some things to test our faith.

At this point, I wonder what He wants from me. I obviously have not done something that he wants, because I feel like a step-child most days. I try to remember my teachings, but in my heart I have many questions...Like why God would allow my son to be brought up by an evil liar who cared more about revenge than the love a child needed. I still remember the day Aaron's father told me that he could "guarantee" that I would never get custody of my son back. I wondered how anyone could make such a bold statement. That was audacity to me in the face of God to guarantee anything to another human being. I just knew God would make him out to be a liar, but he did not. I never got custody of my child back.

That hurt a lot...and still does to this day. The disappointment is still hard to handle. Why God allowed that I do not know. One of the reasons I had chosen to move to Texas, was to get closer to God. And I did that. I was able to accomplish some things, but it was while stuffing other feelings aside. I sought complete healing at every church event, service, and prayer meeting I could find, but there was never anything permanent. Eventually, my pain would come flooding back and I would run.

I could not handle the pain and I knew no one else could either. I was denied visitation rights to my son until he was 10. I was at the mercy of the man who beat me when he refused to do the right thing. And he had no mercy. I could not understand why any court in this country would place my child in those hands. Or why God would allow it.

But we all have our crosses to bear and even though Jesus hung for all of our sins, we are still expected to suffer with him. That was the beginning of my cross.