My Current State of Mind

Hi,

Holidays have been especially difficult for me because I spend most of them alone. I don't necessarily like being alone, but I feel safer when I am alone. That may sound like an odd thing to say, but it is my truth. I used to love being with people. I was a very social young person. I had a lot of friends in school, both male and female. But that changed, as things often do. It did not happen all at once, but after going through several betrayals by family and close friends, I began to cut myself off from people. I did not stop having relationships, but in those relationships I stopped being open. I began to doubt the sincerity of those around me.

The issue of trust has continued to be a stronghold in my life. It has almost become a psychosis. Almost a paranoia, but not quite. I look for sincerity in people, and sometimes find it, but not often. I have learned that there is absolutely no group or type of person that is always worthy of your trust. Even mothers, sisters, and friends can betray your trust. And when they do, they often contribute to death and destruction in your life. Your journey, like mine, may take a new path, unchartered, unexpected and difficult to navigate. Trust is a powerful tool in success. Having been stripped of it, I wandered aimlessly, digging deep holes, in which I often fell.

My current task is to figure out how to regain trust in people. As a Bible student, I learned that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. So, if a person betrays your trust and that betrayal steals your joy, kills your chances of having intimate relationships, and destroys the love between a mother and her child, is that person acting on behalf of God or the enemy?